Food and the Weight Game

It was Christmas morning. I must have been a few short weeks from turning 20. We sat on the 2 couches that flanked the balsam fir in the living room. I opened my parents gift to find a shirt I had desperately wanted. Yes! I looked at the tags: Large. "Oh, mom, I'm not a large, it's a size too small." "I guess you'll just have to lose some weight"

It was a crushing thing to hear.

At my heaviest, I weighed 210 pounds (95.25kg or 15 stone). Two years spent in the University dorms didn't help either. The salad bar was always stale and everything else just seemed to taste terrible. The only thing that I could get in my mouth to satisfy my stomach was pizza and the seemingly endless supply of Mt. Dew from the fountain drink station. It didn't help that my body didn't tolerate dairy well at that point, either. Slow digestion of high calorie foods combined with sugary drinks is a recipe for disaster.

That's me in my favorite shirt at the time

Starting in May, I rented an efficiency apartment and continued working in the research greenhouses for the summer. It wasn't much, but I had a computer, elementary cooking supplies, elementary cooking knowledge, and an internet connection. I also went out and bought a scale for the bathroom.

A brief pause here, because what I want you to understand is that I didn't do this for my parents. I didn't really do it for myself either. I was finally out and the way I saw things, no one wanted the big fat slob. I wasn't the gay guy you see on TV. I was a hairy little whale and while there wasn't much I could do about the hair or the height (I'm 5'9", about average), at least I could fix my weight and I'd be a little closer to the artificial ideal of the gay sitcom star.

So, I had a plan: Learn about metabolism and how to boost it. No cheese. Cut back on carbs. Drink a lot of water. Switch to tea and diet soda (hard to give up those fizzies). Check my weight every morning and every night.
Eventually the plan included eating a majority of my calories in the morning, allowing me to treat myself from time to time, lifting hand weights and running or going on walks during nice nights.

My plan was based in research, trying to find any suggestions on losing those pounds. I didn't make a lot at the greenhouses and my parents helped support me. I didn't want to be a burden on them, so I bought relatively cheap food; Canned soup, canned tuna, eggs, lots of vegetables, a few sauces, herbs, and spices. I made soup a lot. I want you to understand, I wasn't making Progresso, I was making generic condensed soup, nothing fancy. I quickly learned how to spice it up by adding vegetables and adding a little acid (like lemon juice, not LSD). My other main dish was stir fry. There's nothing so simply as heating a mixture of vegetables really briefly in a pan for an easy dinner. I learned about browning my meat before baking it to help seal in the juices and how to poach an egg without one of those convenient little poaching devices. I spent about $30 a week on food, which some people can't even afford, but it was enough to get me started on the path to a good weight.

So the weight started coming off. Roughly 2.5 pounds a week. This was intentional. I wanted to lose 10 pounds a month, which my research told me was an acceptable rate to lose weight. So I lost 10 pounds, and another 10 pounds, and another 10 pounds...

I don't think anyone really understands my love of squash

When I had dropped down to 150 in the Autumn of my grand weight loss year, it felt good. I accomplished so much and I finally felt attractive. I still wanted to lose weight, maybe because I was pursuing the ideal or maybe because I wasn't skinny enough, like those lanky twinks I envied.
In losing weight, there was also a certain thrill in passing people who knew me freshman year or in high school. How they would have to look twice at this person that looked so familiar to them. I also seemed to draw the envy of relatives, mostly women, who wanted to know how I lost so much weight.
Losing weight was like being a new person, but the world was somewhat less comfortable now. Concrete benches and some bicycle seats were painful, some of the people that knew you as overweight complained that you were "too skinny" now. People who used to not look at you twice now look at you, it's a double edged sword that reminds you how shallow the world is, intentional or not.

By late Autumn, my plan focused on counting calories and I was able to lose a little more, and a little more, and a little more...

By the time January rolled around, I weighed 135 pounds.

Actually this was November but it's close enough

Over the next few months, I gained some of my weight back. A little bit of it was to satisfy others but much of it was because I had been unkind to people that didn't deserve it, including myself.
I wanted to drink wine and eat cheese, crackers, cookies, or whatever I goddamn pleased. I've heard that happiness is not derived from money or things, but from experiences, so I experienced. I scanned recipes online to figure out how certain food dishes are made and what foods go with what. I messed around in the kitchen, and still do, sometimes with success, sometimes with horrifying failure. I stopped focusing on my body and focused on food. I avoided processed food because it was more fun, tasty and satisfying to make my own meals. I'm really happy with who I turned out to be.

I'm still working on myself but I'm content with my weight. If you're someone that wants to lose weight, I have a few suggestions: cut out or cut down on dairy and things like grains or bread. Say what you will about dairy or gluten, but most people seem to better digest the food that lacks it. Drink water and get fiber in your diet (if you like or can learn to like beans, do it, but those chocolate Fiber One bars are amazing). Work out. Lifting weights builds muscle which burns fat to sustain itself. If nothing is working, figure out your BMR and eat roughly that many calories per day, mostly toward the beginning of the day. If still nothing is working, go see a dietician, not a nutritionist. Most importantly, learn to be comfortable with your body. You don't have to love your body, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Just get to a place where you're comfortable.

Apologies for the long story but I wanted to let you into my life. If you've made it this far, you deserve a high-five for being so awesome. I will be regularly posting stories and/or recipes about food every Tuesday. I hope you will remember to visit but if you are the forgetful type, please subscribe.



Postscript:
No one has ever addressed me with concerns about my weight loss being obsessive to the point of anorexia. Anorexia nervosa is a serious condition that can be treated with the help of a therapist, psychiatrist, or medical professional. If you are concerned about you or someone you know having an eating disorder, visit http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org. There is a help line listed if you need someone to talk to.